Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed Paperback – October 1, 2021

For a couple of years now i've been on a quest to learn about narcissists & how to deal with them. Several years ago i lived with a man(boy) for 2 years (he is still in my life). at first his attentiveness & fixation on me & absolute "love" seemed great. inside, though, i had fears that it all couldn't be true. after a short period came the criticisms, blames & bullying, manipulating, control & always him trying to shut me off from speaking. he could not/would not hear my voice. making a longer story shorter, he started reminding me of my ex, who did almost identical things with me. i wondered what it was about ME that magnetized these people towards me. during this wonderment i was trying to diagnose this man/boy & he seemed to fit just about every personality disorder in the books, but, alas, when i came upon narcissism, it could not be denied that his spectrum of behavior patterns fit the narcissistic brand like a glove, and IN SPADES. and i had patiently listened over the years to the little he offered in childhood stories, which he glorified in the beginning, yet, after awhile, the neglect, the dismissal, the non-love emerged, though he has not been able to label these things as such - - yet. i read Nina Brown's books - Children of the Self-Absorbed & Loving the Self-Absorbed, then went online & read tons of Sam Vaknin's writings about narcissism, which was wonderfully illuminating! i would return back to Sam's stuff time after time over the years to help myself to understand what i was dealing with. Then, several weeks ago, Amazon advertising alerted me to Wendy Behary's book: Disarming the Narcissist. i ordered it speedy delivery - a first for me!! This book has finally given me what i've been wanting for years - a real & compassionate way to talk to these people without engaging the anger, running away, freezing (going silent - just agreeing) or becoming contentious, otherwise known as fight/flight/freeze. This book has given me insight into my past & some ideas as to how narcissists have turned up in my life more than once. my own deeper introspection sets me free. i keep working on it. meanwhile, Wendy Behary has given communication/expression strategies in dealing with the narcissist(s) in your life. This has produced amazing results for me on two rather serious occasions. my dear narcissist was once again blaming me for something he did & through compassionate listening & description of his & my feelings, the results were amazing. i asked for 2 things: that he admit & apologize. he did both. it took a couple of rounds to get HIM to say the right words AND to give eye contact, but he did it; i kissed him on the head in appreciation & then we continued having a wonderful evening w/out a fight, or contention, or blame. this IS serious work, folks. i'll not kid you - for me, i prepared what i was going to say & wrote it out, so i'd get it right, so it wasn't an instantaneous thing; it took careful thought & wording & i prepared him earlier that i had something serious to talk about later. he's still his same person, trying to fault me about things i said, or didn't say, trying to get me to agree to all of his negative convictions about life & society & people, cutting me off when i'm speaking, pontificating self-righteously & not standing for interruptions when HE'S talking - most of which can be sloughed off by me. one has to truly pick when to put that foot down. one cannot really change the narcissist or his/her patterns, but one can put a block on how much blame, criticism, projection one will allow the narcissist to 'get in.' so, i HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has a person, or people in their lives who overstep their bounds with you, tend to push you around, dismiss you & your feelings, brag about themselves unrelentingly & blame you for the things they do. Wendy Behary talks of schemas & cognitive/behavioral therapy - all which deserve a looking into if one wants to really understand themselves and the people they tend to fall "into place" with. ~ Lanette, Connecticut

This was the first book I read to try to understand the narcissistic loved one in my life. It really gives a comprehensive look at what makes narcissists tick in a way that is still compassionate to both the victim of their emotional manipulation and the narcissist themselves. It doesn't judge narcissists as irredeemable, but does set realistic expectations for what you're up against if you choose to (or have no choice but to) continue a relationship with them. Highly recommended.

Wow. If you are looking, as I was desperately not too long ago for a book that helps you out of the weeds with a narcissist, basically gasping for air...this is THE book. If you, like I, researched online exhaustively only to find groups and blogs that tended to villianize this type and even sprinkle what seems a little of their own issues all over the plate, this book was a breath of fresh air. Not only did it open my mind to what created this personality, but most importantly it added a human dimension in two ways: seeing that person with empathy (with your own valuation still intact), as well as seeing your own unique issues and how they interplay with the narcissist to create what often feels like the the perfect storm of struggle, fighting, making up, repeat.. In my case the combo of our coping mechanisms created passionate, intense, but yet destabilizing, depressing, and confusing scenarios. This book did a wonderful thing for me. I now know what my tendencies are in conflict( fear of abandonment) with the narcissist (lack of love) and how they can either sabotage/or heal the relationship based on how I interact. I have become so much more receptive, empathetic, and soothing (carefully) to ease the narcissistic pattern. Most important to you (and me) is to remember that you've invested time and money into understanding him/her. Your dedication is there. Now, you must understand that you have a hand in how the interplay happens, and to be genuine, loving and patient if that person means a lot. But most important, know that once you read this book, you will know that there is a line of self respect and selfregard that you must draw and stick to otherwise you're an educated doormat. And though it is painful, sticking to your guns actually soothes the tired narcissist, They really want out of it as much as you want them out too. But it's a long and tough road.

It's hard to maintain a relationship with a narcissist or other mental problems but it's possible. This book will help you with that.You can only change yourself and be a model for others. This book will help you with that.If you have a hard time connecting with others this book will help you.